- Cooper! - Cooper!
Cooper!
Oh, my God, Claire, this is so exciting.
(CHUCKLES): I know. Thanks, Mom.
I really appreciate you guys coming
to my big restaurant opening.
Oh, that. Right. Yay!
But I was talking about the paparazzi.
Uh-oh, an unidentified girlfriend.
Who is she? It's Bonnie.
(BONNIE LAUGHS)
So, what are we waiting for, anyway?
Uh, Jake.
He's looking for a parking spot
because he refuses to pay for valet.
Oh, I could've spotted him. What does it cost?
- Hundred bucks? - Seriously, Cooper?
Do you have any idea what stuff costs?
Of course I do.
Most things cost... one credit card.
(PANTING): Found a spot.
But it's three blocks away, and I need coins for the meter.
- You got coins? Give me coins. - Oh.
Why would you not just pay for valet?
I'll tell you why, Cooper-nicus.
It's a sexy little something called "compound interest."
You see, ten dollars saved today,
invested wisely, can blossom into...
Hey, Jake, I think you're getting a ticket.
No!
Thank you.
Claire, this is really cool.
What the hell?
What? Uh, what-what's wrong?
None of this is what I designed.
My stupid boss must've changed the plans without telling me.
Ugh, bosses, right? Aah.
I mean, I assume. I've never had a real job.
Hey, Claire. Holy crap!
(CHUCKLES): Cooper James. Hey.
If you don't mind, I'd love to grab a selfie.
My girlfriend's a huge fan,
and this is gonna make the rest of her dorm supes jeals.
Oliver, um, what happened here?
I thought that you said that I had the lead on this design,
and, and then you went and changed all my ideas?
Yes. Yeah, we decided to go back to basics.
But thank you for being so chill about it.
You know, this is what I love about working with millennials.
(CHUCKLES): Even the ones on the older side.
Well, I got two tickets:
one for parking and one for jaywalking.
Wow.
Really showed those valet guys who's stupid.
Wow, Claire, this place is amazing.
- Uh, Jake, maybe don't... - Complimenting my girl here, Coops.
Uh, back off. I mean,
it's so Claire, right?
- I mean, all this exposed brick. - Jake, none of it is what I designed.
It's disgusting.
Seriously.
I mean, what kind of idiot puts an orange tree inside a bar?
Actually, that's my one idea he kept.
"Orange" you glad he did?
Can we please just get out of here?
Yes, yes. Your carriage awaits, milady.
Hey, Jake, I think your car is getting towed.
No!
♪ Imagine me and you, I do ♪
♪ I think about you day and night ♪
♪ It's only right ♪
♪ So happy together... ♪
(VOCALIZING)
- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -
(GROANS) I just... I can't...
I... Mm-mm.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(SPUTTERS) It just keeps happening.
Okay? Oliver always says
he wants to try something different,
but then we end up going back to his same old ideas.
Don't worry, babe.
That restaurant's terrible.
To quote your dad on our wedding day,
"I give it six months."
COOPER: You know, Claire, I can relate.
When I was recording my second album,
I wanted to try some different styles,
but the label didn't let me veer away from what was working.
So what'd you do about it?
Well, I put my foot down.
You know, they wanted my hair long.
I wanted it short, so I kept it medium.
Looking back, it wasn't as dramatic as it felt at the time.
You know, maybe I should march back down to that restaurant
and demand that Oliver listen to me.
He's probably still there trying to explain to the waitress
why his hair plugs are bleeding.
Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now,
hold on, Claire. All right?
You have to understand that Cooper is a celebrity, okay?
And we regular people can't always play by his rules.
Is this because you got scolded
for walking down that red carpet?
(SIGHS) I wasn't scolded, Claire.
I was tased.
And if you act too rashly here,
you might lose a steady job with a good income
that, combined with mine, has us on track to retire
in 25 to 31 years.
(SIGHS) But how can I expect for things to change
if I don't tell my boss how I'm feeling?
By facing your feelings head-on.
And then squeezing them down into a tersely worded e-mail
ending in, "Let's grab a Corona."
Okay. Hand me the computer.
I just hope that Oliver gets Wi-Fi
considering how far he lives up his own butt.
Okay. Okay. No-kay. Okay. Okay.
How about I take the keys so I can type this e-mail
in "business" English
and not "Roseanne Barr on Twitter" English.
All right. Let's get started.
Um, dear assclown.
"Dear Oliver."
I would rather wear razor blade goggles
than look at another one of your designs.
"I've learned a lot from your sharp eye,
"but I'd love to discuss some new designs
that I've been working on."
You wouldn't know a fresh idea if it popped up in front of you,
like the sad penis you once accidentally group-texted
our whole staff.
"I would love to soft-pitch you
some new ideas for the company."
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, my gosh. Jake, you're a genius.
Oliver wrote back to say he would love
to discuss things further with me.
Wow! See, babe?
I had a feeling he would respond better
to not being called an assclown.
Well, I am going in early to prep.
Mwah. Thanks again for all your support.
Hey. I'm a human bra, baby.
Hey, Jake. Do you have a second to chat?
Is it sex-related or money-related?
I know I'm your go-to for both, so...
It's... You're not...
It's money-related. Ah.
Ever since I've realized I've been paying
ten times what it costs to valet,
I've been thinking, am I out of touch with money?
Hmm, let's see. Uh, how many cars do you own?
I don't know.
Yep, you're out of touch with money.
I grew up in a household where money was tight,
and now I don't even know the value of a dollar.
Would you be able to go over my finances with me?
Yes!
I mean, yeah, yeah, that's cool. Yeah.
We can talk numbers and stuff. You know what I'm saying?
It's cool, though. Right this way.
(DOOR OPENS)
What are you guys doing here?
Well, well, you dumbos pay
for all the subscription services, and we hear
there is a new show on about horny pirates.
It's called All Hands on Deck.
"Deck"? Oh, man, I misread that title.
So, what-what are you guys up to?
Well, I've realized I want to learn
how to be more responsible with my money.
Cooper, this binder has graphs tracking all your spending.
(COUGHING): Nerd.
Breakdowns of all your revenue.
(COUGHING): Dork.
So...
once you get acquainted with all that,
then, uh, tonight we can talk about where we can
make some cuts. (CHUCKLES)
Cooper, if you want some real-life money tips,
we are the people to help you.
That's right. As young retirees,
we've mastered the art of stretching a dollar.
We'll take you to happy hour and give you some tips.
That'd be awesome. Thanks. We can take my car.
Or we could each take one of my cars.
I honestly don't know how many I have.
And for those reasons,
I really think that these designs
can help us attract a whole new batch of clients.
(LAUGHS): Oh, I'm sorry. I was focusing so hard
on making it seem like I was listening to you
that I didn't hear a single thing.
Oliver, I want more creative freedom.
It's what you promised me when I started here.
Look, I understand being frustrated at work.
I had to put up with my father for two whole years
before he died and I took over the company.
I just need to know that I'm valued.
'Cause if things don't change,
I don't think I can keep working here.
Claire, you're super talented. We're lucky to have you.
But just like my stepmother,
you need to respect that I'm the boss.
So nothing's gonna change.
- I'm afraid not. - Hmm.
Okay. Well, um...
- then I quit. - Whoa!
You can't just quit. You're not my therapist.
Oliver, you don't deserve someone like me.
(CHUCKLES): I... I'm a really hard worker,
and I have amazing ideas,
and I'm going to find a design firm
that appreciates all that I can do for them.
(SIGHS) And now I'm gonna do
what no woman in your life has ever done:
leave your room satisfied.
(LAUGHS)
So, like, so you-you quit your job?
Like... like, like...
like, like, quit, quit, or, like...
like, quit, quit, quit?
Like...
I did. And quit saying "quit."
- Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. - Look,
I know that you are nervous about the hit to our finances,
but I had to do it.
(CHUCKLES): No, I... Girl, it's fi... it's fine.
Money is just a state of mind.
But also a thing that you exchange
for food and shelter, so...
(SIGHS)
Okay. Okay, okay. Luckily, I am an accountant,
and I have accounted for everything.
Oh, you're about to pull out a binder, aren't you?
This binder...
has a detailed plan
of all of our potential life-altering scenarios.
Let's see what we got up in here.
Okay, uh...
"Earthquake," uh, "surprise triplets."
Ooh.
"I lose my hair."
(LAUGHS)
Ah, here we are.
"One of us quits their job (PROBABLY CLAIRE)."
"Good for you, Claire.
Everything's going to be okay."
Check.
No, I've... I've already made a list
of ten design firms that I want to apply to.
I-I'm actually really excited about it.
Well, so am I.
Uh, "Smile and hug her."
Thank you. I know how much you hate change,
and so this must be a lot for you.
It's all good in the hood.
(LAUGHS)
Which is where we'll be living if we're not careful.
(SIGHS)
But seriously, Claire, uh, I just want you to know that, um...
And this is off binder... uh...
that I love you
and I will support you no matter what.
Aw. Well, I appreciate the support.
Hey.
I'm a human jock strap, baby.
(LAUGHS)
Are you guys sure it's okay to be eating here?
I feel bad since they didn't use any of Claire's designs.
Next financial lesson...
Don't make sentimental decisions about money.
Half-price appetizers are worth betraying your family.
Mm.
GERALD: So, we've shown you
the basics of money and how much things cost.
Now it's time to teach you how to save.
Mm. That would be awesome.
Stars like me go broke all the time.
I don't want to end up like Nicolas Cage,
having to sell my dragon eggs so I can keep my vampire castle.
Exactly, and the key is to save money
and then invest it in a sure thing.
How do you guys go about saving money?
Uh, lots of ways.
Uh, hitting up happy hours, only shopping on sales racks,
just constantly looking for deals.
Like how Bonnie and I love fancy meals,
but we hate paying for 'em.
BONNIE: One technique we use is
that Gerald will fake-propose to me,
and then the manager comps the whole meal.
Does that free proposal stuff really work?
Does it work? (SCOFFS)
(LAUGHING QUIETLY)
- What? - Bonnie Wheeler.
- No! - Will you make me
- the happiest man in the world? - Oh!
Yes! Yes, I will marry you.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Oh, what?
Congratulations.
Thank you. Hey, we'd love some champagne.
Oh, and a tomahawk steak for my blind son.
(DOOR OPENS)
Hey, babe. You're home early.
How was work? Oh, fine.
I see you're still right where I left you this morning.
Don't know if I should kiss you or check you for bedsores.
Look, I know
that it has been a month since I quit my job,
but I had the best day.
I applied for four more jobs,
I got new prints for my portfolio,
and... look... I...
finally finished my vision board!
What is that?
- It's a vision board. - Right.
I'm visualizing all the things that I want in my life,
including a dream job, and I am just hoping
that the universe will provide it.
Ah, cool, cool, cool. Yeah.
It's a...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Vision boards have tons of benefits, you know. I mean,
not medical or dental, but, yeah.
They're... beneficial.
Okay, look, I know that this is stressing you out,
but my next career move is a big decision.
I need to be excited about it.
I'm not stressed! I...
It's not... (LAUGHS) I'm not.
I'm just gonna, you know, turn these lights down a titch.
There we go.
There's a reason why God put the sun in the sky, Claire.
Let's use it.
That's a little crazy, but okay.
Not as crazy as spending money on AC.
I'll tell you that.
God made wind, Claire. Let's use it. (LAUGHS)
So, uh, any new job leads? Are we...?
Not yet, but
I am getting a lot of likes on my Instagram page.
(HIGH-PITCHED): Oh! Instagram likes!
It's nice. Like
enough Instagram likes to pay the gas bill, or...?
Just check it out.
Ooh, checking.
Checking it out, checking it out.
Oh, you mean like from, uh, @Hungry4Feet who wrote,
"Love the designs. Show me your feet."
Oh, oh, here's another sicko sliding into your DMs saying,
(DEEP VOICE): "You're very talented, and I'd love to meet with you
if you ever have any availabilities."
(SCOFFS)
Keep dreaming, Heather Dean.
What? Wait. Heather Dean wrote that?
You know that pervert?
Jake, I have been trying
to get an interview with her this whole time! She's amazing.
She's-she's like... she's like my "guy who invented Quicken."
Dan Gilbert?! Write her back!
Tell her you can meet right now!
- Okay. Okay. - Yeah!
- Okay. - All right.
Oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening.
Oh.
She wants to meet with me? This is crazy.
Oh, my... I... I... I...
- I got to go take a shower. - Oh.
Uh, well, uh,
water isn't free, Claire, so, uh...
God made Febreze. Let's use it, okay?
Thank you so much for driving. I just want to be super prepared
- for this interview. - Yeah, of course.
I was headed this way anyway.
- (TURN SIGNAL CLICKING) - Wait.
What are you doing? The office is two blocks away.
Just picking up a friend.
- Uh, there. - What?
You Maggie?
- Uh, Jake? - Yup.
What's going on?
Just getting my side hustle on
to support the old income, okay?
This is crazy.
How is this crazy? I'm supporting your dreams.
Chill out. I'm trying to protect my five-star rating.
Hey, uh, there's mini bottles of water back there
- if you're thirsty. - I'm good.
Ooh. But do you have gum?
I'm meeting a guy and hoping to make out.
JAKE: Oh. (LAUGHS)
Maggie.
(WHISPERING): Give her your gum.
But I'm down to my last piece.
Five stars, babe.
Here.
(TURN SIGNAL CLICKING)
All right, good luck, Claire.
You're gonna crush this interview
because you're amazing.
- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS)
Can we get going here?
My guy's wife is gonna be home soon.
So, after a month of hitting up happy hours,
shopping only at sales racks, and
three fake proposals that really threw Us Weekly for a loop,
thanks to you guys I have saved
- this much money. - Holy crap, dude!
If you offered me this much at a casino,
I'd give you my wife.
Between you and me, his real price is much lower.
- COOPER: Claire. - JAKE AND GERALD: Hey.
- How'd your interview go? - (CLAIRE SIGHS)
Sorry I couldn't pick you up, babe.
Got caught
on a ride back from LAX.
Sherry's out here visiting her boyfriend, and, uh,
I didn't have the heart to tell her
that he's stringing her along.
I mean, if he was just serious about her,
he would, like, commit. You know what I'm saying?
More importantly, how was your interview?
Um, it was amazing.
Heather and I totally hit it off,
she loves my designs, and... she offered me a job.
(ALL CHEERING)
♪ I had a feeling! ♪
Which is
why I pulled out our fancy champagne
that we've been saving since our wedding day!
CLAIRE: Okay.
- (CORK POPS) - Thanks, but I didn't take it.
Oh! Come on.
Won't go.
What-what-what happened, Claire?
It turns out that Heather used to work
at a crappy firm just like me,
but then she decided to go out on her own,
and now she's killing it.
And while I was hearing this, it hit me.
I can either keep helping other people execute their visions
or I can finally start executing my own.
So... here goes.
(INHALES THROUGH TEETH)
Jake, I want to start my own company.
And I know that this
is gonna throw a wrench in our whole life plan, but...
I think it's a great idea.
What's that?
You're ready for this.
While I was at LAX, waiting for Sherry,
I was scrolling through your Instagram,
and, Claire, your stuff is amazing.
You should be doing your own thing. I mean, look.
Look at your vision board.
- Check this out. - (LAUGHS)
There's a woman standing on top of a mountain.
You clearly want to be your own boss.
- (SIGHS) I do. I do. - Yeah.
Um, though the mountain just meant
I wanted to start hiking more.
- Oh. - Mm-hmm.
Well, what about the, uh, queen looking over her people?
- Oh, I just like her bangs. - Oh, come on.
Claire...
what I'm trying to tell you is that I believe in you, okay?
- (LAUGHS) - And, uh... (SIGHS)
as scared as it makes me to stray away from our plan,
I, uh... I know that some day
this will be a risk I'm glad you took.
Oh, thank you. Mmm.
(LAUGHS)
And I actually do have some ideas
of how we can cut back our expenses even more
until, uh, I get my company on its feet.
We could, um, make a binder.
Oh. Claire,
- your parents are in the room. - (LAUGHS)
- Oh. - Congratulations.
Thanks, Mom.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
(JAKE LAUGHS)
You know, Claire, if it helps,
I'd love to use some of the money
that I've saved this month to help jump-start your business.
Oh, well, that's-that's really sweet,
but I would not feel comfortable taking your money.
She doesn't speak for all of us.
Honey, think up a company fast.
Uh, uh, uh... Netflix for shoes.
To be clear, I'm not just giving you money, Claire.
I'm making a bet on a sure thing. Totally different.
Are you saying you want to invest?
Vests, sweaters.
Wear whatever you want. You're the boss.
(LAUGHS) Eh, I like the sound of that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
and as your husband and your accountant,
I have to say this is an incredible opportunity
for you both.
I just have one question to ask.
Yes, Jake, you can do my company's taxes.
(HIGH-PITCHED): Yeah! Yes!
(DEEP VOICE): I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, cool,
you know what I'm saying?